The inspiration for tonight’s blog dates back to June 18, 2020. I had just returned from a week-long hiking and camping trip in Michigan’s upper peninsula the day prior.
One day during the middle of my trip I took a ferry over to Mackinac Island, where I spent a couple hours hiking through the state park before meandering through downtown Mackinac and grabbing an ice cream cone.
The island had a unique feel, some beautiful scenery, and numerous fudge and ice cream shops, so later that night when a waitress told me how understaffed all of the island’s businesses were, I decided I would apply to work on the island when I got back home.
So on June 18th I sat in front of the computer and began searching through all of the files and folders to see if I had any recently updated resumes saved anywhere. I searched and searched and searched, but I wasn’t able to find anything that would make the painful resume creating process any more convenient or less stressful.
But what I did find was even more important, and way more entertaining. I found the treasure chest buried beneath the X. I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I found all five golden tickets hidden randomly in boxes of Dunder Mifflin paper.
I found a short essay that I wrote on Mr. Theodore Roosevelt back in high school, and it was eye-opening.
I believe it’s necessary for the well-being of the human race to publicly assess and shame the writing abilities of teenage Jason Mathes, so without further ado, here’s the paragraph by paragraph analysis of my essay on Teddy Roosevelt.
Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt is one of the most intriguing icons in the history of the United States. His life was full of constant activity and accomplishments. In this paper, I will be talking about Roosevelt’s childhood, education, family life, and I will also take about some of his many major accomplishments”
Only one typo in the first paragraph…not too bad.
I find it funny that 16 year-old me would describe a former United States President as an “intriguing icon.” Even at a young age I clearly had the ability to hide my boredom about topics by over exaggerating through the use of buzz words. It’s a great skill to have.
I also enjoy the last sentence of the paragraph where I use the phrase, “I will be talking about.” I vividly remember using that exact language in about 90% of my high school essays because Google said an introduction should inform the reader what you’ll be talking about. I took those instructions very literally.
First of all, Theodore Roosevelt was born on October 27, 1858. He grew up in New York City and had three siblings. His parents were Theodore Sr. and Martha. Teddy never had great health as a child. He was ill very often and had severe asthma. Teddy was famous for being very involved in nature. That started at age seven when he saw a dead seal. Teddy and two of his cousins started an animal museum when they were children. Teddy caught, killed, studied, and prepared animals for their museum. Teddy grew up home schooled by his parents. He attended Harvard College in 1876. Teddy studied biology very closely at Harvard and became a prestigious naturalist. In 1880, Teddy entered Columbia Law School, but dropped out in 1881 when he got the chance to run for the New York State Assembly.
This paragraph right here is the créme de la créme. The cream of the crop. The belle of the ball. This paragraph is why I’m writing about this essay, and it boils down to two legendary sentences.
“Teddy was famous for being very involved in nature. That started at age seven when he saw a dead seal.”
Wow. Wow. Wow. Electric.
I was a literary genius in high school. How could I never see it? How could nobody ever see it? The Hilbert school district needs to better cultivate the brilliant minds capable of writing such incredible statements, because talent this special doesn’t come around often.
I actually laughed out loud when I read that portion of the essay for the first time. And then I laughed again when I read it for a second time. And then I kept laughing. Those two sentences have to be some of the most unintentionally funny things I’ve ever written.
I don’t even know what it means to be “involved in nature”. That’s such a random, broad statement and it makes me laugh every time. You know you’ve written something great when nobody, not even yourself about 8-10 years in the future, understands what point you were trying to make. It’s best to just leave everything open to interpretation.
And speaking of open to interpretation…we need to talk about the dead seal.
I’m no expert, but if I was an English professor or teacher, I’d inform all of my students that it’s of the utmost importance to explain the significance of someone famous seeing a dead seal if they’re going to write about the event.
Not my high school self though. I just left it open for interpretation. He saw a dead seal, got involved in nature, and then before you knew it, he had Robin Williams playing him in a movie where museum displays come alive. It’s a tale as old as time.
Truly incredible writing if I must say so myself.
I’m not even going to analyze the second half of the essay. There’s a few other things I found mildly amusing, but none of it stacks up to being involved in nature because of a dead seal.
The only disappointing thing about finding this old essay on the computer is that there weren’t any other ones accompanying it, so pending a miracle from the man upstairs, I won’t have any other essays to analyze anytime soon. Sorry.
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