2023 International Snow Sculpting Championship

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been nearly two full calendar years since my last blog post, and so much has happened during that time. Hitler is dead, we beat the Russians to the moon, and Tiger Woods got assaulted by his own nine iron. While these were certainly news worthy events I could have written about, I just simply couldn’t find the time due to my obsession with developing and perfecting a craft many of you never knew I love as much as I do – snow sculpture critiquing. It has been a long and arduous process to the top, but I finally feel ready to share my thoughts and talents with the world.

Before we begin, a brief background is necessary. I’m still spending my winters in Summit County, Colorado, which just so happens to be home of the annual International Snow Sculpting Championships. It’s an event that brings the best snow sculpting teams from around the world to the Colorado Rockies, where they face off in a life or death competition (seriously…the lowest scored team loses their life Squid Games style) to sculpt the best possible design out of a 25-ton block of snow.

There were 12 total teams in this year’s competition, which I have ranked from 12th all the way to 1st, after spending days measuring, inspecting, and meeting with each team. Buckle up for some of the most riveting content you’ll read all year.

12. “Allied” – Switzerland

The team’s description of their “Allied” sculpture is that allies support each other, and together they are strong. The three items are using each other to stand strong. I don’t mean to be rude, but I think they could have used more allies to improve their sculpture. Give me a 25-ton block of snow, and with only my bare hands I could create an identical replica within minutes…maybe seconds. This team came in as if this were the World Snow Sculpting Championship, but it’s not. That takes place in Minnesota, and even there I think they’d struggle to compete. In my entire life I’ve literally never scored a snow sculpture lower than this.

11. “Harmony” – Denmark

I got bored reading the description for this one. It was all sorts of artsy fartsy talk. Something about abstract structures and contrast and aesthetics. I don’t know. It really just looks like an off-brand Pokemon.

10. “The Complexities of Life” – Wisconsin

Description: “Life is a dance of complex simplicity”. What’s complex to me here is if they so badly needed a team from Wisconsin then why was I not invited? I would have sculpted a big, beautiful Bucky Badger and he would have had massive biceps with a Luke Fickell tattoo and he would have signed three more 4-stars over the weekend.

On an actual serious note, how does the snow not just collapse? One of the volunteers told me they make the blocks with man-made snow a couple miles away from the sculpting site using concrete casts, and then they bring them over on trucks. I’d love to see how they go about packing it so tight. Maybe this blog will give me the cache I need to be invited to partake in some snow packing next year?

9. “Distorted Reality” – Germany

Another artsy fartsy description that doesn’t resonate with me. The reality of the situation is that the German’s sculpture just wasn’t impressive enough to get in the top half of my rankings, which is something that will likely prevent them from ever getting a peaceful night of sleep again the rest of their lives. Unfortunate to say the least.

8. “Inhabitants of the Sea” – Italy

This one was an environmental warning that our ecosystem is in danger due to plastics, illegal fishing, and destroyed corals. It’s a good message, but I’m going to make dumb jokes instead. Where exactly are the other half of these sea creatures? The ground is frozen. And not just a little frozen. Like pretty seriously frozen. It’s cold during the winter. If I were to grab a shovel and dig into the ground I wouldn’t get very far at all. So what happened to the upper bodies of the animals? Did they dive in right before the freeze and get stuck? Will they be there until the summer thaw? If this team somehow found a way to sculpt the other half of the animals below ground then they deserve to be President(s) of Earth.

7. “Warn(m)ing Clouds Intersect” – Lithuania

I’ve been briefly paraphrasing or summing up many of the descriptions so far, but this one I’m going to quote word for word because it’s just simply too important: “One of our artists is wildly obsessed with the clouds and has had many, many love affairs with them in his lifetime”. I love clouds too though, so it’s cool. No judgments here.

I’m going to be honest again for a sentence. It’s getting to the point where these sculptures are so fricken cool it’s harder to make jokes about them. These people are incredibly talented. This team was awarded 3rd place by the actual “judges”, and the artists in the competition awarded them 1st place.

6. “Emergence” – Vermont

The description for this one was far too long – arguably a full paragraph – so I only read the first sentence and then forgot what that one sentence said. That’s irrelevant though, because what’s important right now is that I admit I’ve made a mistake. If the internet had some sort of rewind or edit button, which it obviously doesn’t, I would place this one 7th and I would move the clouds up to 6th. This one is really cool, but it doesn’t have the same amount of intricate details that the clouds do.

The reason I liked this one so much immediately was because it reminded me of a movie. I wish I could remember the movie, but I truly don’t, and I didn’t want to spend the 3-5 minutes it would probably take to Google my way to finding the name of it. I think Will Smith was in it. There’s some sort of massive statue that levitates into a city – NYC maybe (?) – and it’s a huge threat. Congratulations to the few of you who have some sort of idea about what I’m referring to – you know my brain better than I do. For those of you who don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, you’re probably starting to wonder why you’re still reading. I wonder that as well, but you need to stick around now, because these sculptures start to get especially badass.

5. “Sub-Zero-Gravity” – Germany

The nerds that created this one listed something about defying gravity in their description. I’m going to be honest – I probably shouldn’t have ranked this one quite as high either – but it was the winner of this year’s International Championship! The “judges” awarding this one 1st place brings up a few troubling thoughts:

1. The “judges” are corrupt, and someone with dirty snow money is paying them off. This doesn’t sit well with me, and changes must be made.
2. The “judges” are way too uppity and artsy fartsy to deserve naming such an important champion. This doesn’t sit well with me, and changes must be made. Let the commoners decide!
3. I’m an idiot and don’t understand how impressive it is that they shaped it in such a way that allowed them to defy gravity and keep this thing standing upright. This doesn’t sit well with me, and changes must be made.

4. “See you later alligator, in a while

crocodile” – Great Britain

Description: “A pair of lounge lizards shake hands after meeting at their country club.” The Brits are witty…I’ll give them that.

This is the cutoff. Every sculpture up to this point could have been easily re-created by me, but we are past that now. These top 4 are in a tier of their own. These remaining four could still be re-created by me, obviously, but it would just take a little more time and effort of course.

Jokes aside…the details are insane. The martini in one gator’s hand, and the cigarette in the other gator’s hand. How does a human create something like this?

And most importantly…it’s “after a while crocodile” not “in a while” like they used. That simple mistake likely cost them a championship; when you get to this level you need to be perfect. They paid dearly for one of our generation’s greatest mistakes.

3. “Burden of Socialization” – India

The artists that created this sculpture were symbolizing the burden of socialization and identity groups in today’s world, and I’d say they represented themselves quite well considering they came from INDIA. This was the only team location that caught me off guard – they’re Equator adjacent! What are they doing playing with snow?

The man almost getting crushed appears to be lacking in the booty department – if they needed a male booty model I’m not sure why they didn’t come to me. I’ve got a caboose and the world deserves to know.

2. “Ullr” – Breckenridge, Colorado

This one is just flat out absurd. The detail is insane. Once again…how does a human make something like this out of snow? The “judges” awarded it 2nd place.

This one especially hits home for the locals. Ullr is the Norse god of snow, and every winter Breckenridge has a weekend festival called “Ullr Fest”. Since you could consider me a local as well (no big deal) it would be natural for me to pick this one first, but that just wouldn’t be true to my character. I’m not going to go out of my way to award a group of locals 1st place if they aren’t truly deserving of it. I don’t play favorites like that. I’m fair and unbiased. It’s who I am, and who I will always be, down to my core. Fair, honest, and unbiased…an ethos I’ve lived by during my 27 years on this planet.

So without further ado…1st place of the 1st annual Jason Mathes International Snow Sculpting Championship presented by the Lone Wolf Blog….

1st Place. “Forest Jam” – Wisconsin

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